May The Femme Be With You!
by Phoenix13
Summary: G1G2 Silliness - Optimus Prime has a fan club. And all the members are adoring females! Chapter 3, now up!
1. Default Chapter

May The Femme Be With You!  
  
By Phoenix  
  
-Main Conference Room, Autobot City, Earth, 2006 - The Weekly Big Boss Meeting-  
  
Rodimus Prime looked again at the words cheerfully glowing on the datapad screen held between his fingertips. 'PEACE IN OUR HANDS - The celebratory exhibition of peace in our galaxy' the words said. It was the last item on the list for the meeting between him and Ultra Magnus.  
  
His optics blinked on and off quickly. Who was messing with his datapad? He didn't want to deal with extra crap today. He had a whole pile of official crap on his desk that needed sorting out.  
  
"Something wrong?" Ultra Magnus asked mildly from the other side of the table, sitting with one elbow on the table so one hand could cradle his chin.  
  
Rodimus Prime frowned and laid his datapad flat on the table, then flicked it with one finger so it spun easily across the table and bumped to a stop against Magnus' other hand. "What's this thing tacked on the end of *my* list? I didn't put it there," he asked grumpily.  
  
The end of Magnus' lips twitched. He was amused at Rodimus' rare display of irritation. It was always hard to get their 'Chosen One' to see things seriously and remove the massive grin from his adorably handsome face. Ultra Magnus saw anything that annoyed The Great Rodimus Prime as a secret bonus. It was relieving payback for all the pranks Rodimus/Hot Rod had played on the long-suffering City Commander.  
  
"Oh, that thing," Magnus said, clicking on the entry with his pointer pen and displaying the contents behind it on the small screen. He turned it towards Rodimus, "The Paradrons and the EDC were collaborating on some sort of great get-together party thing. This must be it. I didn't think they were serious about making it happen."  
  
"Huh. A party with EDC stiffs and chronically happy Paradrons. Joy, joy," Rodimus muttered, reading the entry.  
  
Ultra Magnus sighed, "Marissa isn't a stiff," he said, referring to the Earth woman Marissa Fairbourne, who he'd worked with on many occasions.  
  
"Now Magnus, I told you to keep your mouth shut about this thing between you and Captain Fairbourne. Its not healthy when two different species get involved," Rodimus snickered, directing a come hither glance towards Magnus.  
  
The older red-and blue Autobot gave him a nasty look and looked like he might make a retort to that but he decided silence said it all, and sat straight in his chair with a fixed neutral expression.  
  
"Okay, OKAAAAY. Dance with her at the party then. I know you like the Macarena," Rodimus chuckled.  
  
Magnus groaned and laid his forehead on the table, one hand clenching and unclenching in an imitation of wanting to squeeze Rodimus' throat casing.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
-Memorial Gardens, Outside Autobot City, Earth-  
  
"A party?! We'll come! Where and when?" Elita One said far too enthusiastically for Optimus Prime's feelings.  
  
Springer stood and watched as Elita carefully fluffed up some tiny flowers in the row of bushes lining the memorial garden just outside of Autobot City.  
  
Optimus Prime sat on a solid Autobot sized garden bench, optics locked on his beloved as she happily examined and appreciated the Earth plants. The Triple Changer exchanged optic contact with the Autobot Commander. Optimus' shoulders slumped and his chassis seemed to sigh. Parties were not his thing, but Elita loved them.  
  
"Its not quite a party, Elita, it'll be more like an official meet-and- greet thing, with a bit of celebrating and public posturing. Sandstorm thought it would be nice if we had a feature honoring some of our well- known Autobot heroes. Optimus in particular," Springer tried to explain.  
  
"It doesn't matter what its called, its still not fun," Optimus grumbled. He stretched his legs out and leaned back on his bench, hooking his hands behind his head. Springer smirked at him and moved to follow Elita as she pottered around the gardens.  
  
"Something on your CPU, Springer?" Elita said, poking at a half dead rosemary bush. He'd been following her for a few minutes, uncharacteristically saying nothing. Springer smiled and crossed his arms. Elita glanced at him, then left the ailing plant and continued along the path. Springer followed. He was quietly admiring the glow of her reddish pink metal in the sun, but he also had something to say to her.  
  
"Rodimus sent me an email. A communication, actually. From some people called 'The Optimus Prime Appreciation Club,'. These people want to meet up with Optimus at the party thing," Springer explained.  
  
The Femme Commander straightened up and turned to face him. She was grinning, "Oh. THEM." Her amused expression made Springer think she knew something about them. Maybe she'd been keeping tabs on this weirdo group that wanted to get too close to her boyfriend.  
  
Springer unfolded his arms. He tilted his head to the side to avoid the afternoon sun going into his optics, "You know who they are?"  
  
"IF THAT BUNCH OF MORON FEMMES ARE COMING, I WON'T TURN UP~!" Optimus bellowed from his comfy bench on the other side of the garden.  
  
"God, he's got good hearing for an old geezer, doesn't he?" Elita laughed.  
  
Springer looked happily surprised, "They're all females?! Why don't I have a fan club like that?"  
  
Elita slapped his bulky shoulder, "Would Arcee even let you? She tells me she still can't find a femme you haven't recharged with." She patted his cheek fondly, "You've got a wonderfully intricate history with femmes, cutie."  
  
"Except for you," Springer retorted, and gave her an appraising smirk, his optics narrowing to slits.  
  
"Change your paint scheme to red and blue, call yourself Optimus and they're all yours, Spring," Optimus advised as he came strolling down the path towards them, having forsaken his seat.  
  
"I don't want second-hand Optimus groupies, I want *Springer* groupies," Springer pointed out.  
  
Elita shook her head and started walking again.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
-Iacon Exhibition Center, Cybertron, a few Earth months later-  
  
Ultra Magnus stood still at the entrance to the Exhibition Center, hands by his sides, optics carefully going over the large crowd. He watched the goings-on inside the massive hall with his renowned military precision. Finally, his mouth twitched slightly and he turned his head to the side to speak to someone who was carefully hiding behind his tall bulk, "I don't see any waiting and hysterical female groupies, Prime," he informed the anxious Autobot Commander.  
  
Optimus Prime looked with flaring worried optics over the shoulder of his City Commander. "Yes, but they'll find me..... soon.... I *know* it," he muttered.  
  
Elita One stepped up and smacked Magnus in the shoulder, an achievement considering the difference in their heights. Magnus looked down at her with surprise, "Hey!".  
  
Elita frowned and waved a hand at him, "Magnus! Don't let him use you as a sissy-guard!" she demanded.  
  
Ultra Magnus flinched a little as he stared down at her. He was caught between the whim of the Autobot Commander and the Autobot Femme Commander. He supposed there were worse spots to be caught in.  
  
Optimus Prime crossed his arms and gave his mate a disgruntled glare, "You're the one who dismissed my suggestion for having an accompanying Centurion guard." He was already noticing people in the crowd who were looking his way. Most of them female.  
  
"You don't need a guard and you won't be attacked by horrible females. Get over it!" Elita One spoke sternly.  
  
"You know what?" Optimus said suddenly, swinging his shoulders around and turning to leave, "I promised Kup I'd pick up those extra disks for him from the Hall of Records, I better go do that now or I'll forget, you know me......"  
  
"Magnus!" Elita hissed as she saw Optimus start to leave. Obligingly on cue, Ultra Magnus hooked Optimus by the shoulder and dragged his friend back into the hall.  
  
Optimus gave a muffled shriek as he was forcibly returned inside by Magnus' strength and plonked in front of Elita. "What are you doing?! Hands off, Magnus!" Optimus growled.  
  
Elita One reached up and hooked a finger under the bottom of his mask, pulling his head down to her level. Optimus froze in a bent over position. "Orion, I will only say this once so stop the panic attack and listen up," Elita said calmly, using his pet name.  
  
Optimus made a quiet gurgling sound. Elita continued on. "You WILL stay here and greet a few guests. You WILL be guarded by Ultra Magnus as a means of protecting your sissy butt from mad females. He will ALSO be acting as a means of keeping you from running away with your antennae between your crotch plating. Okay?"  
  
Optimus tried to nod but her finger was restricting his head movement. Ultra Magnus looked on and started to wonder if Elita was the female they should really be scared of.  
  
Further away, Sandstorm spotted the group of them from down the hall and came walking quickly towards them, "Hi guys! So nice to see you here!! I think you'll really love this - oh," Sandstorm cut himself off when his brightly happy self saw the way his three friends Optimus Prime, Ultra Magnus and Elita One were caught in strange poses.  
  
Elita let her finger drop and Optimus straightened up. Ultra Magnus coughed.  
  
"Um, is everything.... ok?" Sandstorm said hesitantly. His optics searched each of them worriedly.  
  
"We're fine 'Storm. Nice to see you too! Optimus is so glad to finally have a chance to meet the public and I think you've done a brilliant job getting this thing together," Elita rattled on smoothly.  
  
Optimus stayed quiet and looked down unhappily at his feet. Magnus looked sideways at him with his expression and wide optics saying 'I'm sooooo sorry for you'.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Next chapter coming soon. The femme groupies appear and cause a riot! But its not what you think..... 


	2. Chapter 2

May The Femme Be With You! Chapter 2  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: If this story could get weirder or stupider, it just did!  
  
Optimus Prime lifted his head from the autograph he was carefully signing and narrowed his optics. He looked across the packed-out hall from the small stage he was standing on. There was that noise again. A trilling keening sound. This was the second time he'd heard it.  
  
"Magnus? What's that horrible noise?" Optimus asked his sub-commander who stood diligently behind him. Ultra Magnus was acting as bodyguard and jailer all at once. He felt stupid but he was way too worried about what Elita One would do to him if he (shock, horror!) disobeyed her orders.  
  
"Mmm? What noise?" Magnus shook himself from the daze he had fallen into - the legacy of spending several Earth hours doing nothing more exciting than watching The Great Optimus Prime sign autographs and say 'Hi' to people.  
  
The noise stopped.  
  
Optimus tilted his head. "Oh. It's gone." He nodded at the next person in- line and bent to scrawl his signature.  
  
"Uh huh," Magnus nodded and scratched the side of his cheek while looking disconsolately at the long snaking queue of people /aliens/ 'bots waiting to spend a few seconds with Optimus Prime.  
  
Optimus was happy that he hadn't been targeted by crazed femmes. Yet. The weirdest females he'd met so far had only stood in front of him and stared at him with far away happy expressions. THAT he could handle.  
  
The City Commander's attention was grabbed by what *looked* like a tall yellow haired beast making its way through the crowd. {An animal??} Magnus thought. An eager crowd of laughing and yelling people followed the thing. As it got closer Magnus realised 'it' seemed to be female. And metallic. {It looks like a femme,} Magnus mused. He bent his head forward and concentrated on the object.  
  
A yell came from Magnus' left side. He looked up. Kup was pointing and yelling at the strange female. The female, whatever it was, started moving faster in the direction of Optimus and Magnus.  
  
A trilling cry in a high-pitched out-of-tune girly voice caused Optimus' head to jerk up, "There's that noise again!" he said. He and Magnus realised at the same time that a very ugly femme with long blonde synthetic hair in plaits was jogging towards them and waving.  
  
"Oooooh, DARLING~~!!" the femme trilled. She had on some sort of dress. And her, um, chest was lopsided and large. Magnus frowned, {That is one ugly femme. But if she wants Optimus, I might just let her through!}.  
  
The femme was almost to the stage when Magnus cried out in horror. Then he shrieked in surprise. "Thats no femme, thats SPRINGER!" he yelled.  
  
"Sweetie! I want you! Where's my Oppy boy?!" Springer blew a kiss and trotted up the stairs and bounced onto the stage. He planted a kiss on the facemask of a horrified Optimus Prime. The crowd that had just parted to let 'her' get past laughed uproariously. Most of them now knew the 'girl' wasn't a girl at all! Springer's strong thick legs and bulging arms were something of a give away.  
  
"Take that crap off IMMEDIATELY, Springer! You're insubordinate!" Kup was yelling at the foot of the stage, waving his hands at the fake femme Springer. Springer blew him a kiss too.  
  
The green triple changer was wearing a badly shaped floral dress with fake breasts, lipstick and a large fake blonde wig with two braided plaits, which swung down on either side of his face. Springer leant on Optimus' shoulder and pouted his lips. The crowd roared again. They loved it.  
  
"Someone told me you were going to be mobbed and kidnapped by psychotic femmes. I thought I'd get in first," Springer blinked his optics lovingly at his poor victim. Optimus hadn't made an sort of reaction except to stare with horror. One of Springer's fake breasts suddenly popped and deflated. "Damn, lost a boob!" Springer cried and stared down at his chest, pretending to look heartbroken.  
  
"MAGNUS!" Kup yelled, his face turning a darker grey by the astrosecond, "Get him off from there!"  
  
Magnus couldn't get the grin off his face, "Kup, if he wants to be a cross- dresser, I'm not going to get in his way, alright?" he said, crossing his arms and shrugging.  
  
"ARGGH!" Kup replied.  
  
By now the crowd also contained other Autobots who were variously amused and aghast at Springer's strange appearance.  
  
"Is this the type of femme he was scared of?" a laughing voice proclaimed behind Magnus. He turned around to see Elita One smirking and chuckling at Springer's get-up.  
  
"Oooo yeah, I'd run from a femme like that too," Magnus agreed.  
  
Optimus stood and shook hands with Springer, who again kissed his cheek. Optimus wryly removed some vibrant red lippy from his mask with the back of his hand, "Love the dress Springer. See First Aid about a proper female construction job for your chest," Optimus suggested. Then he looked askance at Elita standing next to Magnus, "Can I leave now?" he asked.  
  
"It is time to go, we've been here a while," Ultra Magnus added.  
  
Elita gave in, "Alright, I think we've done enough. Let's say thank you to Sandstorm and make our exit."  
  
"Yes please... ugh....,"Optimus muttered.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~* One more chapter to go. And yes, Optimus does encounter the mad girls from his fan club, no worries there. Ready for a 'Smokey and the Bandit' type car chase through Iacon central?? Coming up!  
  
* 


	3. May The Femme Be With You 3

May The Femme Be With You - Chapter 3  
  
"Faster, Magnus!" Optimus hissed, sitting with one hand on the dashboard to prop himself up and the other gripping the back of his seat so he could keep his head turned to the back of the car. He cursed himself that he hadn't gotten in a car with Elita One in the drivers seat. Her driving would have left their pursuers behind looong ago. Or scared everyone else off the road for a faster getaway. Her driving was pretty horrific. But fast.  
  
On the other hand, Ultra Magnus was known for his safe, reliable, driving. Something Optimus REALLY didn't want right now.  
  
Ultra Magnus scurried the little hovercar in and out of traffic, also cursing himself for being stuck in a car with Optimus and being chased by Optimus' hysterical female groupies. "I AM going faster...... " Magnus growled in response, giving the wheel a swift jerk to whizz the car around a large and lumbering transporter truck taking up the lefthand lane.  
  
Optimus gave a short cry as their hovercar tipped up onto its side near the 45 degree angle mark due to Magnus' wild maneuver. The hoverjets screamed with the effort to not tip over. The car clearly wasn't equipped to handle two oversized male Autobots. Amazingly, the car dropped neatly back down onto its four hoverjets and sped forward as Magnus jammed the accelerator as far as it would accept.  
  
"You could've gone shopping with the girls, you could've left me alone in peace, but no, 'Hey Mags! I hate shopping! Lets go find a bar!'", Magnus' voice did a perfect imitation of Optimus' low intense voice. He didn't once flick his gaze to his friend. He kept his optics and hands determinedly directing the car.  
  
Elita One and some of her friends had been heading on a shopping trip when they left the convention center, and Optimus had thought he was resigned to an afternoon of 'spending money we shouldn't spend', until he'd encountered Ultra Magnus leaving the carpark in one of the courtesy hovercraft vehicles. He'd swiftly begged a ride, since he didn't know how to get back to their apartments by himself (he was hopeless with directions).  
  
And now they were stuck with the horrendous girl groupies chasing them for a piece of their cute behinds - or whatever else they could grab.  
  
Optimus winced as Magnus found a clear spot in the traffic and then spun the car around on its jets (illegally, and Primus, Optimus hoped there were no law enforcement officers around to spot THAT one) and charged back the way they had came. Both of them swore when they sped past the overloaded hovercar of fanatic femmes being too slow to turn around and come after them.  
  
Something large came flying out of the femme's car and bounced off the roof, leaving a dent.  
  
"What the %^&$#@! was that?!?!" Magnus demanded.  
  
Optimus peered at the junk on the road as it disappeared into the distance behind them, "I think..... I think that was a breastplate...."  
  
Both mech's went silent. "Maybe they're really after you, not me," Optimus said dully into the silence, hands in his lap.  
  
Magnus grunted in the negative, "Think again."  
  
Optimus nodded, motioning Magnus to slow the car down, "You're so right. Stop the car, if they want me, they can get me."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"You're such a good hero Mags, you know that?" Optimus said, smiling behind his faceplate. The grin disappeared as some traffic appeared in front of their speeding car and Magnus wasn't slowing down. Optimus gripped his seat.  
  
"Uh, Mags..... the cars...." Optimus locked his optics on the car ahead nervously. There was no way around them. Cars in front and building walls to both sides.  
  
Ultra Magnus made no reply. The car gained more speed.  
  
"MAGNUS~! STOP!!!"  
  
Magnus made no move to slow down.  
  
Following its safety programming, the hovercar frantically sent power to all jets at once, and due to their speed, the car gained enough height to get into the air smoothly and soar over the other cars in a perfect arc. It was a maneuver which required skill, expertise the driver of the femme car didn't have. They stopped way behind them, their way blocked. Frustrated screams rang through the air.  
  
"DON'T DO THAT~!" Optimus yelled at a calm Magnus.  
  
"Don't do what, save your cute Commander butt?" Magnus smirked, slowing the car to a reasonable pace and glancing at his friend. Optimus glared at him. It was the glare he applied to his soldiers when he was particularly displeased with their actions.  
  
Magnus shrugged, "That look doesn't work on me." He settled his hands in a more comfortable position on the steering mechanism and tried to relax. Optimus sat staring straight ahead, scowling beneath his mask. He laid his forearm along the top of the door and drummed his fingers lightly.  
  
"Do you still want a drink?" Magnus asked politely. He was following the traffic ahead of him with perfect grace.  
  
"NO," Optimus replied sullenly.  
  
"Then I can drop you home and leave you in Commander Elita's good hands?" Magnus suggested. He tapped his fingers on the wheel as they pulled up at a traffic intersection.  
  
Optimus turned his body slightly in his seat to give Ultra Magnus a hard look. "Why? Are you planning on doing some illicit and 'embarrassing to the Autobots' night-time activities?" Optimus asked.  
  
"Of course not," Magnus said easily. The traffic ahead was starting to move. Magnus eased the car slowly forwards.  
  
Optimus grunted and faced the front again, then screamed, "HOLY PRIMUS!"  
  
A figure threw itself onto their car with a delighted scream, "FOUND YOU!!!"  
  
"SHIT!!" Ultra Magnus hit the brakes. The hoverjets threw up bursts of air to stop forward movement and halted.  
  
A femme had thrown herself onto the front of their hovercar and was squashing herself madly against the windscreen. Magnus sat horrified, face a mask of surprise and disbelief. Optimus was occupied with trying to fit himself into the tiny backseat of their vehicle to distance himself from the mad femme.  
  
"MAGNUS, GET US OUT OF HERE!" Prime yelled.  
  
Magnus' optics blinked, "Get-us-outta-here. Yes, yes, that would be good, except, GO WHERE?! We're blocked in!" he snapped back, as more femmes appeared on ALL sides of the car and started to press in dangerously. The car shook as femmes crowded them in. "If I move, I'll hit them, there'll be femme bits everywhere!"  
  
Optimus crouched down in the backseat and covered his head with his hands, moaning, "Oh god......".  
  
"Thats it, I'm calling the police, this is just too much," Magnus shook his head and reached for his comlink.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING HERE?! You! Off that car!" - a femme was wrenched by force from the windscreen of Magnus' and Optimus' hovercar and tossed onto the sidewalk. Both mech's could see the enraged form of Elita One reaching one-by-one for the clinging femmes and dragging or chucking them aside until the car was nearly clean. The femmes made a crying mess on the sidewalk at their harsh treatment.  
  
"Elita! Thank Primus....." Optimus sighed, and awkwardly got back into the front seat. Magnus nodded in agreement and gave Elita a rare grin. Those warrior Autobot chicks were useful girls.  
  
"Get back and STAY there; bloody crazed femme misfits," Elita grumbled as she shoved aside the last femme and stood next to Optimus' door. She ducked her head down, peering into the car. "You guys alright?" she asked, giving both of them a look-over.  
  
Optimus powered his window down, his optics glowing bright blue up at her, "Thank you for the rescue, 'Lita. I really don't know WHY all these females are throwing themselves at Ultra Magnus like that, its bizarre."  
  
Magnus smacked him in the back of the head with one hand, "They're after you, Commander Femme-Magnet!" he hissed.  
  
"What?!" Optimus responded with a glare.  
  
Elita gave Magnus a fond look, "Oh shoosh Optimus. Thanks Magnus, I was about to do that." She straightened up, rubbing her back with one hand. Throwing 'bots around didn't come without a price on her aging superstructure. "Mags, you better move, you're holding up traffic. Meet you back at the apartments?" she suggested.  
  
"Sure, and thanks for the save," Magnus waved and accelerated the car, heading for the carpark at the end of the road. Optimus waved bye at his mate as they took off.  
  
********************  
  
Is this the end of the mad femmes? Will they return (with more muscles??) LOL! 


End file.
